I now recognise that from a very young age I have been suffering a kind pain that cannot be explained, it consumes every part of you; to the point you have no choice but to detach your body and mind. This pain changes us, it hits places that we never knew we had. The pain of an abused, neglected or mistreated child is brutal, it is long lasting and it is damaging. We find ways to cope with this pain that might not be healthy, we get drawn into a cycle of repeating the trauma because in some crazy part of our brain it feels safe and ‘like home’. I know this sounds so insane for someone who has not experienced trauma, but anyone who has, may know exactly what I am talking about. We become so accustomed to this cycle of stress, despair and hurt that it becomes our normal, we allow people to treat us like shit because why should we be treated any different to the way our own parents treated us? If your parents loved and cherished you, made you feel valued and important, this is how you will feel, LOVED, and CHERISHED, VALUED and IMPORTANT. These attributes will stay with you and play a part in your whole life. If your parents discarded your NEEDS to cater for their WANTS, this does not inspire a sense of love and value in that child, if your parents didn’t have the capability to give you real meaningful love where does that leave you?
Being the child of an addict or multiple addicts is a world only the child of an addict would really understand. It's chaos, it is neglect, it's lonely and you know that your world is not the same as your friends; and probably never will be. As a child I did not know that the world I was living in was not normal, I had a feeling that my home life was different to my peers, but I didn’t understand how damaging it was. It wasn’t until last year I realised the extent of harm my childhood had caused. Once it was over, I soon realised that my decision to pursue a relationship with a man I knew deep down had abusive traits was a direct reflection of my childhood.
My father was a heroin addict, he wasn’t exactly a great male role model. But, I absolutely adored him. As a little girl I would yearn for him to be a ‘good dad,’ this resulted in constantly being let down by him but, still adoring him. Why wouldn’t I? He was my Dad. He always called me “princess” and I wholeheartedly believed that I was his princess. I’m actually laughing as I write this, a heroin addict isn’t capable of running a kingdom. Fact. He died four years ago - months before I met my ex.
When my father died my world became a strange place, I didn’t know how to grieve the man who caused all this pain. I felt angry that he had left me with it all, he never fixed anything; he died and never told me he was sorry for destroying my childhood. Meeting my ex was a welcome distraction from those feelings. In the beginning, it was like all that pain just disappeared when I was around him. My world felt so safe again, there is only one other man that was able to make me feel this safe before, my dad. My ex also called me “princess” - if that’s not a red flag I don’t know what is. Once the relationship had ended I had to look at how and why I ended up in this place. My self-esteem was battered, my ex had left me and I honestly thought I was not going to survive; he had taken all control I had over my own thoughts and feelings at this point. All the grief came pouring out of me again and I did not know how on earth I would get through it.
I had to know why my brain worked the way it did; why could I allow a man to put his hands around my throat and forgive him time and time again? Why did I justify his actions time and time again? Why did I convince myself for years that he would be the man I wanted?
Human relationships, and the effect of relationships on relationships, are the building blocks of healthy development. From the moment of our conception to the finality of death, intimate and caring relationships are the fundamental mediators of successful human adaptation. (National Research Council & Institute Of Medicine 2000, p.27)