It’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. I had to go on a journey to discover myself and what was needed in order to move forward.
My last post ended saying “I need to figure out why I kept going back to the man that hurt me.” When I wrote that I wasn’t willing to look at my part and the part that substances had to play in the whole dynamic. So now is the time to tell that part of my story.
If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know I was raised by two heroin addicts for the first 8 years of my life. I want to say, I do not believe that is the reason I am an addict but I believe it left me with feelings of being ‘different’ to others, not feeling comfortable with who I was and the compulsion to lie. When I was 8 mum went into treatment and we (myself and my brothers) were moved into the care of my auntie, an amazing woman who just wanted what was right for us. During this time I felt a lot of confusion. It was explained to me that mum had to go and get better but that didn’t really cut it, I didn’t understand why we had to move to London, away from the freedom of the countryside I was used to. I didn’t understand why my dad wasn’t there with us, why mum had to go away, why I had to change schools, or anything that was going on at the time. Mum spent a long time in treatment to address her addiction and during that time the feelings of anger started to rise up in me. I’d always been such a loving, kind, caring and gentle little girl but that started to slowly slip away over the next few years. It was still there actually, it just slipped into the background as I felt the need to ‘protect’ myself from the world and it’s injustice.
I was eleven years old the first time I drank alcohol, and I drank to blackout from the offset. Being in that state of oblivion felt good to me; I didn’t have to deal with my feelings then. By the time
I was 13 I was using class As, seeking oblivion every time I used. Life continued like that until my first pregnancy when I was able to put the substances down; I determined to be a ‘good mum.’ However, I didn’t know what this looked like, I was 18 years old; full of pain. After the birth of my daughter I was seeking to fill the void in me relentlessly. I used drugs again, men, shopping, self-harm and food (starvation and bingeing;) nothing worked. When my eldest was 3 months old myself and her dad decided to try and ‘be a family.’ This relationship became very toxic, which was a reflection of my self worth and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I left this relationship when I was 21 and felt determined to change.
However, things had to get a lot worse before they could get better for me. I spent the next 7 years using, running away from myself, not seeking help, denying I was the problem and causing myself a whole heap of more pain; more trauma came. Then came the most horrific abusive relationship, I spent five years in a cycle of using and abuse. I felt completely obsessed with this man, this relationship and the cycle of highs and lows.
For years I didn’t believe I was an addict because I wasn’t using heroin like my parents. I now know that the substance doesn’t make me an addict, not even the amount I use makes me an addict. It’s the using to avoid feelings, the using to avoid myself, using to change who I am and the pain that comes with using that makes me an addict. I stayed in abusive cycles because I didn’t believe I was worth any more than that. I stayed because it fed my addiction. That’s why I allowed him to abuse me, why I kept going back in the hope that ‘things would be different this time’
I am writing this one year, two months and twenty two days clean of all substances and abuse. I am so proud of where I am today, the pain of the past is starting to heal, I have hope for the future and I believe that is is possible to live a life free of substances and suffering.
Pain is inevitable, stuffing is not.
The bravest thing I did was admit I am an addict. Since then I’ve been able to look at how I had caused a lot of my trauma, stayed stuck in cycles of pain and suffering in the hope of some respite. It never worked.
My name is Micha and I am an addict.